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Questionable Purchase

May 28th, 2008 by Mr. Wonka

This is what the guy behind me was buying at the checkout counter the other day. And that was ALL he was buying…

Can you at least get some beer with that? You’re obviously gearing up for a fun night…

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Ballsy Surfer

May 28th, 2008 by Mike Honcho

You’d have to be pretty bored with the regular old waves and sharks swimming around you to try this. I can’t believe anyone would be so eager to win a Darwin Award.

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Give Up A Shoe or Give Up The Liquor?

May 28th, 2008 by Baba Ganoush

This is the question a liquor store owner has been asking in Colorado. The man was tired of losing about $1000 worth of merchandise each month due to thefts, so when he caught the criminals they had the choice of giving up a shoe or giving up the liquor. The thought process is that the ones giving up their shoe would be too embarrassed to return, the ones giving up the liquor would just come back to steal again. Apparently only a handful were willing to give up a shoe.

The concept kind of backfired, when police told the store owner that he would have to stop the practice or face felony robbery charges. The irony is that getting caught stealing the liquor was only a misdemeanor.

This reminds me of those gun exchange programs, like turning in guns for gift certificates or sports tickets. I’m sure plenty of people could round up some old shoes they would be willing to part with for a fifth of Jack. You’re probably going to lose your shoes after drinking the whole bottle anyway, so you may as well get something for your shoes to start the night.

Original story: Associated Press.

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Today is National Masturbation Day!

May 28th, 2008 by Ol Dirty Curty

The deeply penetrated folks at Good Vibrations sex toy company in San Francisco have declared today National Masturbation Day. This occasion marks the climax of National Masturbation Month, which is apparently May.

My personal jerk-month is generally in the depths of winter when I am depressed and full of self loathing and there is nothing to do except watch the Matrix, eat Taquitos, and violate my person.

On Sunday, Good Vibes held a Masturbate-A-Thon where about 100 people from all over the country assembled and pleasured themselves for charity. Each participant asked for donations based on how long they were able to ying their yang. Before you rush to the Greyhound station and buy a one way ticket to next year’s wankfest, realize this:

Not one attractive female will be in attendance. Hot women never go to things like this. Remember watching Real Sex on HBO as a kid and they’d feature some orgy in the forest? What kind of chick showed up to those? Saggy, old, fucking married hippies! Yes, please let me watch 50 flower children touch themselves while they get fondled by their ponytailed and equally saggy-titted dudes.

I suggest you save yourself some time and Usher your Lil Jon in the privacy of your own home on this most deserved of holidays. You actually have an excuse this time.

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MySpace vs. Celebrity - Week 10 Winner

May 28th, 2008 by Mitch Martin

This has to be one of the closest contests yet. Only 8 votes separated Rebecca Romijn and Janis G here. Every time I get close he pulls away again. You can call me a sore loser but I think Diggles rode one good picture to victory. No worries though, I am sure I can find someone to win next this week.